 interize
your lawn," the big sign outside the garden stone commanded. I've fed
it, watered it, mowed it, raked it, and watched a lot of it die away.
Not I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have
to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits!
We constantly battle dandelions, Queen's lace, thistle, violets, chicory,
and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be
nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation
The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:
GOD: "Frank, you
know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down
there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
plan. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies,
honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
St. Francis:
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling Your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
them and replace them with grass."
 |
GOD: "Grass? But
it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies,
birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that green grass
rowing there?"
St. Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
GOD: "The spring
rains and cool weather probably make the grass grow really fast. That
must make the Suburbanites happy."
St. Francis: "Not
exactly, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes
twice a week."
GOD: "They cut
it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
St. Francis: "Not
exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
GOD: "They bag
it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
St. Francis: "No,
Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
GOD: "Now let me
get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it
does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
St. Francis:
"Yes, Sir."
GOD: "These
Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain
and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work."
St. Francis:
"You're not going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it." |
GOD: "What nonsense!
At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius
if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide
beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground
and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance
the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
St. Francis: "You
better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled
away."
GOD: "No! What do
they do to protect the shrubs and the tree roots in the winter and keep
the soil moist and loose?"
St. Francis:
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in the place of
leaves."
GOD: "And where
do they get this mulch?"
St. Francis:
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
GOD: "Enough! I
don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in
charge of the Arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
St. Catherine:
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
GOD: "Never mind,
I think I just heard the whole story." |
Water features, aquatic plants and fish/Koi provide a new little "Peace of
paradise" to your garden world.
![[the Amazed Dutchman]](images/logo.gif){kind=logo}